OATCAKE
OCCASIONALS GAME– 16/8/03.
BY MICK NORCOP.
OLDSTOKIESBARMYARMY/BRIDGE OF SIGHS
THE WINNING TEAM
WITH THE 'NIGEL JOHNSON' TROPHY
This was the third time the
Oatcake Occasionals had met in the cause of charity. This time, all donations
from the competitors went to the Sir Stanley Mathews Foundation – a worthy
cause and a footballing one too. It also gave us the opportunity [again] to put
two fingers up to Magnus Christiansson for saying that we ‘Stokies’ were not
prepared to support this noble cause. [Every dog has its day etc.] We did manage
to raise a magnificent £320 and this was handed over to Nigel Johnson of Radio
Stoke who the OO Trophy is named after and who is also the President of the Sir
Stan fund.
The day began in the usual
chaotic manner when a number of the guys who had put their names down to play,
didn’t turn up. Hurriedly, it was decided that instead of four sides
competing, we would play with just two teams with rolling subs and 40 minutes
each way. The winners would lift the coveted trophy. So OS’s
OldStokie’sBarmyArmy and Mattyb’s team, Bridge Of Sighs, would unite.
Tel’s Titans and Becks’ Surreal Madrid did the same. So for the sake of
brevity [and to save my typing finger], from now on in this match report,
whenever I think it prudent, I will refer to the two teams as ‘OSBA/BOS’ and
‘TT/SM’.
I think at this point,
it’s worth mentioning that OS had never won a single game before. No wonder,
therefore, he seemed so eager to nonchalantly declare that he would
‘generously’ accept the BOS team as his allies. Was there a method in his
thinking? Well, considering that BOS had in their side that ‘terror of the
pitch’, Macca100, and also the wise old head of JimmyG, I think he was pulling
a ‘fast one’ here! Somehow, he also managed to ‘lose’ the girls, Loz115
and Donna too. If I didn’t know him better, I would have thought he had a game
plan! Unfortunately for OS, he hadn’t reckoned on the TT/SM ‘secret
weapon’, Smudge – but more of that later. Despite OS’s underhandedness, TT/SM
were still left with some fine players including that prolific goal scorer of
previous games, Boz The Stokie and also ‘The Bouncing Bomb’ aka Klute. On
the downside, they had Winger, that semi-geriatric from East Anglia but there
were some fine young lads in there to help him through the game.
So, the lads and lasses
gathered in the Academy and the game kicked off. One could be forgiven for
thinking that this was a cup final because we had Rex the Ref attired in his
official FA referees kit, four watches and half a dozen whistles. The fact that
he looks like someone out of the N40 made the situation surreal! Covered in
tattoos from the top of his head to the tips of his toes, he looks like a king
of one of those rare African tribes that explorers drop on occasionally. [Do the
FA really appoint such thugs!] Also, he talks in a deep Cockney slang, a sort of
cross between Michael Caine and Dot out of Eastenders. If he was anything to go
by, this was going to be just ‘one of those days’!
And so it turned out to be!
For a start [now don’t all laugh at once] Smudge….*snigger*….turned out
for TT/SM in goal. How many of you have actually met Smudge! For those of you
who haven’t, I can assure you that he makes Neville Southall look small in the
‘tummy’ department. For the sake of common decency, let’s just say he was
‘rotund’.
On with the game! Within a few minutes, OSBA/BOS were 2-0 up. It was at this point that OS [who was masterminding the OSBA/BOS joint team] decided to bring on a couple of rolling subs. It was also at this point that King Rex of the Masambula tribe noticed that OSBA/BOS had been playing with 14 men and, despite OS’s protests, awarded a penalty to the TT/SM team. Petemac despatched it perfectly and the game was finely balanced. It continued as a ‘ding donger’ until half time with the score at 5-2. Perhaps I should also tell you that it really should have been 10 or 12 to OSBA/BOS but for the antics of the ‘Cat’, Smudge. Despite his enormous girth, he really put on a display that would have been the envy of both our Stoke City professionals. The fact that he let in 5 was due to the sheer brilliance of the OSBA/BOS players and not to his lack of ability. Well done Smudge. Had you not left the game early, you might have been contender for MOM.
The dodgy penalty. Click to enlarge.
Tel and Becks were seen
looking very glum as they tried to gee up their demoralised players in the
interval before the second half began. Tel was getting plenty of water down them
that he had saffed off a poor unsuspecting shopkeeper for nowt! Is there
anything this guy won't do to save a bob or two!
Did I mention that we also had our very own ‘Keith Scott’ on the pitch? I won’t mention any names but B and O and Z are a clue. Just to say that one of the forwards on the TT/SM side was faced with an open goal and from all of one yard out, he managed to balloon the ball over the bar. Priceless! No wonder he was seen later in the game throwing a wobbly then. That goal poaching brilliance which had been his forte in the other games was ably annulled by the organizing skills of the superb skipper of the OSBA/BOS team, MCF. Indeed, he was able to direct his defence to quell any danger from the big man.
The match continued to be a ‘ding donger’ but eventually, the obvious class of OSBA/BOS began to tell and soon it was 7-2. One might have been forgiven for thinking it was all over but the lads and lasses of TT/SM were, if not skilful, full of spunk. They battled back magnificently to 7-5 with just ten minutes to go. OS was seen frantically giving instructions to his captain, MCF, to try and stop the rot. MCF was trying to blame it on King Rex of the Masambula tribe but in return he got a severe warning from the tattooed warrior who was having none of it. OS took off his ‘deadwood’ in the shape of grey man [who, because of his lack of fitness, was looking very much like his alter ego] and his and Mattie’s side once more gained the upper hand. They scored another goal to make it 8-5 and that knocked the stuffing out of Tel and Becks’ lads. The final whistle was blown by King Rex and that was that.
MCF,
being awarded the Man of the Match award by Nigel Johnson.
The ceremony was organized
and ‘Our Nige’ presented MCF with the Man of the Match award. He really
deserved it because he’s the only person I’ve ever seen who is so skilful,
despite having two lumps of the fattest joints of bacon you can imagine bouncing
about inside his shorts. ‘Our Nige’ also presented the winning captain with
the coveted Oatcake Occasionals Shield. Being the generous person he is, OS gave
the losing side a dozen cans of Fosters. [Guilt perhaps!]
And now onto the really
important thing. Despite the intensity of the matches, and the obvious benefits
of the charity donations, they were designed for all posters to come together
and enjoy each other’s company. That has always been the case and long may it
continue. All this could not have been possible without someone, unselfishly,
putting themselves out and organizing the events. Last time it was Pricey. This
time it is MattyB who deserves our thanks for all the hard work he put in.
Thanks a million Mattie from me and everyone involved. Thanks also to all the
players for making this, another good day in the annals of OO history. If
you’ve not been mentioned personally, please don’t take it as an affront;
it’s more to do with my senility than your lack of effort. Also, a great big
thanks to Stoke City FC, our very own club who loaned us the facilities to play
this game. We often pull them to bits on our board, but it’s at times like
this that we become united – that’s what being involved with a football club
is all about. Thanks to all the staff at the club who worked with Mattie to make
our day. Thanks also to Becks who has decided to retire as manager of Surreal
Madrid.
Finally, after some
discussion, we have decided to have a new format for the next OO game, which,
hopefully, we will be able to organize at Christmas. There WILL be four teams in
the next tournament because it must have been very frustrating for the players
involved to be subbed and messed about as you were, plus playing 11 men of a
pitch the size of the Academy just isn’t on. I know many of you were
disappointed, as did the other managers. It won’t happen again! Next time,
there will be a cut off point at which time the players who put their names down
MUST have arrived at The Powerleague. Then, all four managers will draw the
eligible names from a hat. Those players will play in the games.
Mick.