I put a post on the Awag board asking the gang which was their funniest moment in life. This was Michelloti's contribution and was voted first prize. Like most really funny things, it's infectious and it had us all in stitches. My thanks to Mich for sending me this piece. I thought it had got lost in the etherworld. Thank goodness it didn't.
A Good Larf.......by Michelloti.
5th year at school and It's
music day. Now I'm no musical maestro….. and dropped piano lessons as soon as
I could (couldn't be bothered rather than couldn't do it) anyway.... nobody
appreciates music played well as much as I do. My Grandad was a pianist and so
was my mum. So music to a certain extent runs in the family.
So there I am, whole school
assembled in the hall and I am sat near the back; and they start to wheel these
kids onto the stage one by one. Each had to play a short piece of music on their
chosen instrument which was usually accompanied by a music teacher on the piano.
Anyone who finds les
Dawson's bad piano playing funny, has got to sympathise with what I went through
that afternoon. I cried silently for 2 and a half hours, Tears streamed down my
face, my stomach hurt from suppressing laughter for hours. We had the woodwind
instruments......ever heard the noises a badly played clarinet makes? Jeezuz!
then we had the brass section; trumpets, trombones, euphoniums.......just on and
on and on....after each one finished I would sit there praying that the next one
could at least make their instrument sound like it's manufacturer meant it
to...but no! Eventually up strode the school dickhead, he was as thick as two
short planks and was always trying his hand at something new in a vein attempt
to find something he was good at, and therefore gain a modicum of popularity. I
somehow knew this would be the final killer as soon as his name was read
out....he arrogantly strode onto the stage clutching his cornet, I braced myself
for yet another musical onslaught, at this point the music teacher stood up and
asked the school to give karl a big round of applause as he had only been
playing his cornet for 6 weeks. "Oh no! I thought........"Please GOD
NO" my stomach was already tensing in anticipation.......I screwed my eyes
up, held my breath and stared at the floor trance like. I had already attracted
the attention of a couple of teachers who by now were hovering behind me. "Shite!"
I thought "this is it"
We had 3 false starts
whereby all that could be heard, were strange blowing noises emanating from the
end of his cornet, each fresh start was strangely accompanied by his complexion
taking on a much deeper red than previously. By this time my whole body was like
a pressure vessel with a faulty safety valve, and it was just about to blow. To
make matters worse, everybody on my row, and everybody on the row in front were
now looking at me, plus... I now had four Teachers stood behind me…….. As
his face took on an even richer shade of purple, he once again nodded to the
Music Teacher sat at the piano.......pursed his lips........and started to
slowly blow into his cornet........I can honestly say that to this day I have
never ever heard a noise like it.........it was like a very loud fart, a high
pitched scream and a banshee siren all going off simultaneously!........That was
it....my body could take NO MORE.......I threw my head backwards and
screamed with laughter! I was absolutely uncontrollable, quick as a flash
the 4 Teachers dove in and dragged me out of my chair still helpless with mirth.
They had to drag me out of the door due to the fact my legs by this time would
not respond to the messages my brain was sending them. Once they had dragged me
out of the door I continued for a good five minutes to roll around the floor,
totally paralytic and still howling with laughter.
Once I had calmed down
sufficiently, I was led to the headmasters office and told to wait outside
whilst three of the teachers went in and told him what I had done, and the
fourth (who incidentally had not
been able to keep a straight face throughout the whole incident) stood with me
outside. The three teachers emerged from the office and I was beckoned to go in.
Christ! Did he thrash me! Six times,
the old b’stard even took
a run up! “Now let that be a lesson to you “ he bellowed “yes sir” I
sheepishly replied “Now get out!” I turned and walked out of that office
wishing I had never got out of bed that morning.
So much for a sense of
humour eh?